Why you looking bitter? I be looking better
The type of bitch that make you wish that you ain’t never met her

Lobelia S-to-the-B: so sprezz, so swag, so haute she’ll melt your popsicle.

I am just in love with Lobelia Sackville-Baggins fancying herself as a hot-shit fashionista but actually coming across as ten pounds of “oh honey, no" in a five pound bag. I want the extended edition to have footage of her parading through Hobbiton in her fashion-forward florals, calling everyone out for being basic bitches, harshing on coords, insisting everyone check out her lookbook and throw her some hype, come on you jerks.

I need a whole featurette on the in-universe fashion scene.

I mean, those frocks are obvs Bree Saint Laurent, but is that brolly by Vivian of Westwood or is it vintage Southfarthing couture? Did she scam those hats off a March Hare or what? How’d her layering game get that tight? Girl, what is that flower basket even about, what is your story?

These are the important questions.

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1558
SOURCE: jirkwood
the hobbit    lobelia sackville-baggins    bilbo baggins    otho sackville-baggins    gifset    LYRIC SET    kreayshawn    I'M NOT ONE GIVEN TO GREAT ORIGINALITY    BUT I /HAVE/ TO BE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO COMBINE KREAYSHAWN AND THE HOBBIT    I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF    LOBELIA S-TO-THE-B    SO FASHION-FORWARD SHE'S COME FULL CIRCLE    THE CUTTING EDGE OF 'COOL-HIP-AND-GROOVY' IS RIGHT AT 'LOOKING LIKE A DICKHEAD'    IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO BACK IN TO COOL-HIP-AND-GROOVY    OOH MISTER SACKVILLE-BAGGINS: A FANFICTION    'LOBELIA I AM HOME NOW'    [SMOULDER]    'AND I AM LOOKING SO TIDY AND I DIDN'T SPILL ANYTHING ON MY HOUNDSTOOTH BREECHES THIS TIME'    'OOOH MISTER SACKVILLE-BAGGINS OOH'    [SWOON]    'LETS DO IT'    'YES'    'AND I WILL LEAVE MY LANVIN CRAVAT ON'    [GAZE]    MEANWHILE IN A 20 MILE RADIUS OF THIS EVENT    [BUTTONS POPPING]    [WIZARDS TURNING GREY]    IT WAS AMAZING    THE END    (OH CRAP I HOPE YOU'VE ALL SEEN THIS: harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=120)    
"OH MY GODDDD DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? This. This is why I never invite anyone over.”

"I just want to be involved in your life, Legolas! Stop pushing me away!"

"Holy shit, did you tell the guys at the archery range that I’m fond of them too?”

"You are fond of them!”

"I’M FOND OF LEMBAS, ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A DADCHAT WITH MY LUNCH?"

"DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF CARBS!"

"OH MY GODDDD DAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? This. This is why I never invite anyone over.”

"I just want to be involved in your life, Legolas! Stop pushing me away!"

"Holy shit, did you tell the guys at the archery range that I’m fond of them too?”

"You are fond of them!”

"I’M FOND OF LEMBAS, ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A DADCHAT WITH MY LUNCH?"

"DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF CARBS!"

AWK-WOOD

4210
SOURCE: jirkwood
the hobbit    thranduil    tauriel    legolas    desolation of smaug    THAT TRAILER THO    I HAVE SO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO FINISH UP AND POST    BUT I DON'T GIVE TWO DAMNS ABOUT ANYTHING THAT ISN'T FROM THE TRAILER RIGHT NOW    I AM SO HYPE    THE DESOLATION OF HELICOPTER PARENT THRANDUIL    'OMG DAD I CANNOT DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE I'M RUNNING AWAY TO JOIN A FELLOWSHIP!'    'YOU'RE AWFULLY FOND OF THAT ESTEL BOY - I THINK I NEED TO HAVE A TALK WITH HIM'    'LALALA LALLY I CAN'T HEARRR YOUUU HERE DOWN IN THE VALLEY'    

bilboses:

no bilbo i dont think there are dwarves in there

No dwarves, certainly.

WHAT IF BAG END HAD BEEN BUILT AROUND A HIBERNATING DRAGON - SOME WINGLESS SUBTERRANEAN LIZARD-LIKE WYRM    NZ HAS THESE REPTILES CALLED TUATARAS WHO SHELTER IN BURROWS AND CAN BASK FOR AGES IN EERIE STATUE-LIKE STILLNESS    AS LONG AS THEY'RE COMFORTABLE AND WARM - I'M THINKING SOMETHING LIKE THAT ONLY THE SIZE OF THREE BUSES    AND WHAT IF IT HAD BEEN SNOOZING FOR CENTURIES - SURROUNDED ON ALL SIDES BY COSY HOBBIT HOLE HEARTHS    UNTIL ONE NIGHT A DEEP RUMBLE OF A SONG ABOUT 'LONG FORGOTTEN GOLD' FLOATS THROUGH THE WOODWORK AND WAKES THIS FUCKER UP    'WHUH? [BLINK BLINK] GOLD? GOLLLD? DID YOU GUYS SAY GOLD? I THINK YOU DID SAY GOLD! TELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS GO-- OH YOU'VE GONE'    AND BILBO'S GONE RUNNING AFTER THEM - WHAT TO DO? HOW ABOUT EXPLODING OUT OF THE SIDE OF BAG END AND RAMPAGING ACROSS ALL OF HOBBITON THEN?    SOUNDS GOOD! EXCEPT IT ONLY GETS ABOUT HALFWAY DOWN THE LANE UNTIL IT FINDS A NICE SUNNY SPOT AND GOES INTO BASKING STILLNESS MODE    SO STILL ALL THE ALARMED FARMERS ARE LIKE 'DID... DID WE DEFEAT IT ALREADY? WITH JUST THE RAW POWER OF OUR INDIGNANT SQUAWKING?'    AND THERE'S LOTS OF CONFUSED HEAD SCRATCHING AND A CROWD GATHERS AND EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR PIPES OUT    'YES JIM WE KNOW THE ROAD'S BLOCKED. YES WE KNOW YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR CABBAGES DOWN TO MARKET BEFORE 4PM'    'WE CAN'T JUST PUT HIM IN A WHEELBARROW AND MOVE HIM OVER WE ALREADY TRIED THAT ...IT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL' [PILE OF BROKEN WHEELBARROWS]    BUT AS SOON AS NIGHT FALLS THE DRAGON STARTS GOING SLEEPY GODZILLA ON THE SHIRE - HOBBITS AREN'T PUSHOVERS THEY CAN PROTECT THEIR OWN    BUT THIS IS A DRAGON - ITS HIDE IS TOO THICK TO PIERCE WITH ANY HOBBIT WEAPON AND FUCK ME RUNNING IT SEEMS TO ACTUALLY LIKE FIRE???    NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL TO DO AND IN FRUSTRATION SOMEONE LOBS THEIR CUTLERY DRAWER AT IT AND THE DRAGON ACTUALLY REARS BACK    AFTER A FEW MORE EXPERIMENTS WITH OTHER DRAWERS THE HOBBITS CATCH ON THAT IT WAS THE SHARP CLATTER OF METAL-ON-METAL THAT IT DIDN'T LIKE    SENSITIVE EARS YOU SEE    AND SO IT WAS THAT A GREAT AND TERRIBLE DIN AROSE IN HOBBITON AS FLATWEAR WAS RATTLED FIERCELY IN A GLORIOUS DISHARMONY    AND THE WORLD'S WORST PERCUSSION SECTION DROVE THE BEAST INTO THE BRANDYWINE AND IT GOT SWEPT AWAY TO WHO KNOWS WHERE    'WE HAVE A LITTLE SAYING IN THE SHIRE: LET BREE DEAL WITH IT'    LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS CHASING A GIGANTIC MONSTER OUT OF HER GARDEN ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE WATER    WITH THE TERSE TAPPING OF A SPOON ON THE EDGE OF HER WASH BASIN - BECOMES LEGEND - IN A 'BULLROARER TOOK - INVENTOR OF GOLF' SORT OF WAY    AND ONE YEAR LATER ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE ATTACK (& SUBSEQUENT SPONTANEOUS FREE-FORM INSTRUMENTALIST FESTIVAL)    WHEN LOBELIA IS BEING PRESENTED WITH SILVER SPOONS IN RECOGNITION OF HER BRAVERY DURING THE BATTLE/PERFORMANCE    WHO SHOULD COME STROLLING BACK INTO TOWN BUT BILBO GODDAMN BAGGINS    THE BILBO THAT EVERYONE THOUGHT HAD BEEN EATEN BY THE BEAST    WHOSE DEATH HAD RALLIED THE COMMUNITY AROUND THE RUINED HALF OF BAG END AND GOT THEM ALL TO PITCH IN AND HELP FIX IT UP    BILBO BAGGINS ALIVE AND WELL AND ACCUSING LOCAL HEROINE LOBELIA S-TO-THE-B OF TRYING TO STEAL HIS SILVERWEAR!?    WHAT A JERK    OFFICIALLY ADDED TO THE SHIRE'S 'NOT RESPECTABLE' SHIT LIST    

[based on this scene from Gravity Falls]

REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE DESOLATION OF TAURIEL’S EPIC SUMMER ROMANCE!!! THIS DEC 13

OOOH, GET IT GIRL

1866
SOURCE: jirkwood
the hobbit    gravity falls    tauriel    bilbo baggins    legolas    gandalf    kili    orc dude    gifset    APOLOGIES TO FANS OF SERIOUS BADASS TAURIEL    I JUST THINK SHE HAS GREAT POTENTIAL FOR COMEDY    AND UNTIL DEC 13 I WILL CONTINUE TO INSIST THAT TAURIEL IS A HILARIOUS GOOFBALL    PROVE ME WRONG    HAHA YOU CAN'T    TRUE TAURIEL FACTS    TAURIEL'S GOTTA CATCH EM ALL IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN    TAURIEL MEETS BARD    'MORE LIKE BARD THE WHOA-MAN SLOW DOWN OR I'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU A TICKET FOR BEING THAT HOT IN A FOREST FIRE HAZARD ZONE'    'THOUGH YOU'RE PROBABLY USED TO [PEERS OVER THE TOP OF HER STANDARD-ISSUE SHUTTER SHADES] BEING /FINE/'    '...D'    TAURIEL MEETS SMAUG    'CALL ME GOLDIE BECAUSE I WANT YOU ON ME'    TAURIEL MEETS TREEBEARD    JUMPS HIM    'AHAHAHA! I GOT WOOD!'    TAURIEL YOU CANNOT ROMANCE A STORM GIANT    YOU'RE FROM TWO DIFFERENT ALTITUDES    'TWO ALTITUDES BOTH ALIKE IN DIGNITY!'    ...I GIVE UP    GET IT GIRL    

How do you pronounce the dragon’s name? [x]

ok no but how on earth did you two make it through the entire process of filming without figuring this out?

CAN’T PRONOUNCE AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER’S NAME?
WELL THAT CERTAINLY REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING

WHAT!? HAS EREBOR BEEN CANCELLED?
NO ONE TOLD US!

10921
YOU GLORIOUS DUMBS    LITERALLY THE TWO WORST PEOPLE FULL-STOP    'IT'S NICE THIS HOARD DID YOU COLLECT IT YOURSELF?'    [SCRAPES BOOTS ON THE GODDAMN ARKENSTONE]    NO ADMITTANCE EXCEPT ON GOLD BUSINESS    FILI AND KILI GETTING EVERYONE'S NAME WRONG THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE JOURNEY    BOGGINS    SMOGGINS    AZOGGINS    LORD ELRONG    LINDA    GALADDER    SALADMAN    RADAGUSTAVO    BJORN    THRANDROOL    LEGOLAND    BARD-DONKA-DONK    UNCLE RICHARD ARMITAGE    'HEY PHILIP?'    'YES KILLIAN?'    ONE OF THESE DAYS LADS    ONE DAY YOUR BOGGINS WILL COME    AND HE'LL SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR ON YOU PROPERLY    AND REMEMBER TO BOLT IT THIS TIME